Ok so I just wanna let you know that I finally did purchase my domain name, I am so excited about that now I have to go about building my website so that might take a few days to a week until it is up and running. But is is http://www.resilientlearising.com. It is basically going to be my blog and my life journey with some additional lifestyle posts thrown in. So i am hopeful that all of you will continue to follow me on my life journey and if I can help even just one person, I would be so happy. Now the next few blog posts might be a little difficult for me to write, I almost feel like I am dragging it out a little because it is sometimes hard foe me to relive it, But I also have to say that I don´t think I have ever really wrapped my head completley around what has happened. Like when people ask me what happened and I tell them, sometimes I almost feel like a robot or a recorded message because now I can repeat the story with almost no emotion.But with saying that I think writing about this will help me start to heal and I can tell the story with more detail and emotion instead of just repeating what happened as if it was just a normal everyday part of life,
I am going to continue from when my mom was hanging around a few new people in her life and being a kid you really don´t think much of it, I remember on the Thanksgiving after my dad had killed himself or maybe it was Easter, sorry I really don´t remember, I know it was a holiday because we were off from school, anyway we went to my dads best friends house to have a nice meal, his wife was not there, I think she was out of town visiting with her family. Anyway we had a nice meal and I remember it was starting to get late so my mom said that we were just going to stay over there for the night because she was getting too tired. Being a kid I did not think anything of it, but I do remember thinking it was odd that my mom slept in the same room as HIM. I also remember that the house seemed so cold and uninviting. That night was the first time I ever knew heated blankets existed, because they gave me one to keep warm. Now even to this day I still will not sleep with a heated blanket because it reminds me of that night and the way I felt comes crashing back. Even as I write this I can clearly remember the smells and the way everything was that night.
But life went on after that, my mom actually started hanging around a new man, I have no idea how they met or anything but I remember that I liked him. He was really nice and really fun to be around, he did not have any kids but he treated us really great. Soon he ended up moving in with us, right after my mom got a new condo for us. My dads best friend also stopped hanging around as much. Which was fine with me, life was moving on and things were changing. Then everything started getting a little bit creepy and strange.
So the post before the last was when I was describing my mom getting out of the hospital and her making a new friend. But also around this same time my dads best friend was always around. I did not know this at the time until later on in my life, but yeah my mom started having an affair with my dads best friend, and the reason I say affair is because my dads best friend was 100% completley married, and from everything I remember at the time they were happily married. I even remember around this time, because it was now in the summer, that my dads best friends wife(and I dont say his or her name ever cause it makes me sick) was over and we were all outside by the pool all day. The reason that I remember this one particular day is because his wife ended up having to go to the hospital because she got and really bad sunburn and ended up with sun poisoning.
But he contiued to hang around with my mother, we really didnt see his wife much, but she was always there. As time went on he was a constant in our life, at the time it was nice because a) he was a male figure in our life and b) he was my dads best friend. So that made him safe, little did I know that he was going to turn my world upside down in a little more than a year.
So people always ask me, How do you stay so positive after everything you have been through? And i really don´t have much of an answer, because I just am. I never was in the past, it was always me just thinking about all the bad things I have been through, and for that reason I always thought that I should get a free pass for sucking at life. But you know what the second I decided to get clean I realized that I always used that as an excuse to just be bad and do the wrong things in life. But when I thought about it, it was just an excuse to keep using. I first started to do drugs to block out my feelings of depression or so I thought? If I just do drugs I can escape my reality of life and I won´t be sad. Well guess what? It doesn´t work. I figured out when I got clean that doing the drugs just made everything worse in the long run.
So now I am positive, I probably would have been positive years ago if you talked to me. But it wouldn´t be the same as it is now. Now I really genuinely love my life, are there certain things in my life that I would LOVE to change of course but who has a perfect life? I don´t think i have ever met someone who has THE PERFECT LIFE. Hey if you know someone who has one please point me in their direction so I can learn the secrets.
What honestly helps me to see live more positively is gratitude, that is the most important thing to me. To be grateful for waking up another day.
So I will be back next time to start again on my journey of life, for today I had to take a step back and just be grateful for today.
Ok, so it has been a few days since I last wrote anything. It´s because I was having a hard time trying to process some of the next things that went on in my life and I need to know that I will still be able to deal with the feelings of all that I am remembering and continue to be positive and most importantly stay sober.
So I have figured out a few things that I need to do when I get too emotional, first and foremost I have been meditating a lot, especially when I get a little emotional. Second I have been keeping my own personal journal so that I can write down all the feelings that are coming up. That has really helped me so I will start to write again today. But I decided my first entry is going to be a little different , and it has.
I came up with the name of my blog, and I purchased a domain name so I am updating that and within a few days to maybe a week, I will let everyone know the name and how they can continue to follow my story, because it is far from over, basically I feel like I am just really getting started.
The next part of my life is where things get really messy and I remember a lot, but I also am not sure exactly the order of everything so if it seems like I jump around a lot, then I am sorry.
So when my mother got out of the ¨hospital¨/detox, she began hanging around with a new guy, someone I never met before. Someone she met in detox, which is never good. To this day that is the one thing they always tell you to avoid in early sobriety is relationships and especially meeting someone in the hospital and continuing contact with them when you get out. So right there she was breaking 2 of the most important things you wanna do if you wanna stay sober, But I did not know anything about that, I just knew I missed my dad and it was nice to have another male around. Someone besides my dads monster best friend who was always a constant in our life anyway. What I did not know until later in my life was that at this time my dads best friend was becoming completley obsessed with my mom. And this is where it all began.
Not sure about how the order of the next phase of my life went, I remember bits and pieces, so If this post seems a little jumbled, sorry about that. I will start off with our Florida vacation and how I believe that my mom started drinking more with our neighbor upstairs, but who knows maybe she was already drinking and I just did not know, later on I know my sister learned the hard way by taking a sip of my moms morning ¨orange juice¨ and then I remember finding a bottle of vodka stashed under the sink. It is weird to me now how I knew even back then that these things were bad, but I just knew. I guess it shows our kids really do know more than we think.
I know when we got back from Florida my mother checked herself into the hospital. My aunt always told us it was because she was sick. Now I know the truth, at the time I do remember it being odd that when we went to visit her we had to visit with her in a kitchen area with a bunch of other people all wearing these yellow hospital bathrobes visiting with other people. I remember staying with my aunt for that week or so, and one night I do remember waking up with a fever, hallucinating. Dont know why that always happened when you were younger and had a fever you would have strange horrible dreams. Not sure what my dream was even about to this day, but I do remember being so scared that I was never going to ever see my mom again and I remember her calling the hos[pital because I swore my mom was dead and I was never going to see her again. I was able to finally talk to my mom, but as I write this I can still feel that horrible feeling that I felt that day of never seeing my mom again.
She did get out a week or so later and everything was back to normal, we were still living with my grandparents, my aunt and uncle were living next door, the monster that was my dads best friend was still coming over all the time to see how we all were doing. And i use the word monster lightly he was MUCH MORE than that later on in my life. But at this point we still called him ¨uncle¨ and he was my dads best friend. So yeah I would say everything was the same except for one big thing, my other was starting roo hang around with a new male friend that we never met. Maybe he was the start of the horrible downward spiral that happened next.
After my dad had passed away, I can honestly say life is pretty much a blur, for atleast the first year. Yeah there are bits and pieces That I do remember but that is it. I remember being out of school alot for 3rd grade, not sure how I even passed really, but I guess it being 3rd grade and the fact that I pretty much was on track with everyone else, I passsed. Thank god, I´d probably be a little embarassed if I had to tell people that I did not pass 3rd grade. I remember going down to Florida and staying for atleast a month, because I think like just about everyone else in CT, someone in our family owned a vacation condo down there. That someone that owned this condo was my mothers sister. But my great-aunt also owned a condo, which as I am writing this, a memory popped up. That condo that my great aunt owned was where we stayed at in Florida after we finally made it out of the blizzard in VA. So that was the last place we stayed at with my dad. Our last family vacation with my dad, I don´t remember much, except that it was in Jupiter FL. And I remember finding that name so funny at that age, just because it was named after a planet, but other than that I don´t remember much. ok I guess I got a little off track, but I think that will probably be happening alot as I continue to write, its like BAM all of the sudden I will remember something from years before. So just be warned if you are reading this, from time to time I will most likely get lost in a past memory or two. So back to 3rd grade, we started out going for February vacation (that was when schools actually still had February vacation, which was always nice to look forward to). Then my mother decided we were gouiing to stay longer, maybe it was just nice for her to get away. To not be back in CT. I loved it caused it allowed all of us not to be depressed that dad wasnt there like at home. Because I know when we were home, the days, and months after he died, you could feel the differencce and how sad it was. BUT being in FL was great it was like paradise and I didnt have to be sad and think about my dad as much. At times I remember how sad my mother was but she tried to make it as fun as possible for us. It was an escape and sometimes I woukd wish that we could just stay there because life was so different, and I do remember my mom made a friend in the condo right above us. Sometimes she would leave us alone downstairs and go to his condo, and Im sure that felt safe to her. But as I look back now I thinkj that was the start of her downward spiral, that is when she started drinking A LOT.
I Think she first started to drink because it probably numbed her pain, but like all things that are addicting and are not good for anyone that already has an addictive personality, it became a problem!
I remember I hated that word when my dad died, cause I could nit comprehend the word forever. I would just sit and think about it and at that age all I could think was, wow, my dad is gone FOREVER and I will never see him again. That always made me so sad. I would sit there and just cry and try to understand the word and to be honest that word scared the hell out of me when I was younger. It is so weird as I write this cause I have not thought about how much I disliked that word til now. Obviously forever definitley does not have the same effect on me anymore, I like the idea of forever, most of the time. The days after my dads death I remember my mom trying to keep things as normal as possible, I can never speak on how my brother or sister felt, but being only 7 years old I always thought that the reason I was starting to have such bad luck was from that broken mirror.