Everything was a blur as all this was going on. I was brought over to the next door neighbor’s house and was very surprised and shocked to see one of my best friends from school April there. It happened to be her grandmother’s house. so ever since then we have shared such a special bond cuz she was there with me throughout that horrible night and that is an unbreakable Bond. Still to this day I will always call her best friend even if we were stuff we will always be best friends. I don’t remember much of the night oh, I remember the face coming to question us and I was so mad at the time that that was the first time I ever lied to somebody especially a cop. I want somebody to get in trouble so I told the police officer that the guy that shot my mom and it’s likely outside watching that happen cuz I just wanted somebody to be held accountable, obviously you can tell that wasn’t true at the time I was just so mad I don’t even know what made me lie to them, I guess the shock, I don’t know to this day I still have no idea why I did that. I remembered that April’s grandmother gave me a doll that was so soft and I had it forever it was a very special doll to me.I also remember we had to stay at the house very late because there was a lot of reporters outside and my family didn’t want us to be exposed to that, so when we finally get believe they covered us up and got us in the car add to be well after 3 a.m.
As we came out of my mom’s boyfriend’s parents house, it was pitch black. Then he ran out of the bushes shooting first my mom’s boyfriend, then my mom, then himself. He didn’t try to shoot us, sometimes I felt like I wish he did. My mom was still alive, barely they were both killed at the scene, my mom’s boyfriend was shot in the heart, so I hope for his sake he died instantly and felt no pain. My mom was hanging on, barely, I was right with her and she was able to tell me she loved me and to take care of my brother and sister. Then I went into shock, screaming blacking out, I really don’t remember much for a little while. Someone brought us right away to the next door neighbors. I was numb I felt like I was dreaming. Then I remember looking at the TV and it was TGIFriday and Full House was on. For years I could never watch that show because it would bring back memories from that night.
So the day my mom got a package in the mail, started off like any other Saturday. Then there was a knock at the door, not sure if it was UPS or whoever delivered packages back then. But it was a package addressed to her, she was a little excited because we didn’t know
Addiction can be a tricky word for some people, it can also create many heated arguments regarding it. So to those that are reading this, I want to state that this is my opinion and MY opinion only. To me I truly believe addiction is a disease that addicts will have to live with for the rest of their lives. Others don´t believe that but that is truly how I feel. I also believe it is definitely a hereditary disease,and that some people will inherit it in their genes yet never pick up any habits. But I would, like to say that addiction comes in many forms including drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food, gambling, shopping and the list goes on. A lot of people can overcome cold turkey, and never do it again. In my opinion I think the only way you will truly succeed staying sober from your addiction first is wanting to stay sober and then putting in the work and investing in yourself to stay sober.
Then maybe when you have your addiction in check you can learn to get
¨addicted¨ to something healthy
So I have a new website, but I can’t get on it, and It has been over a week since I’ve written so I feel like I really need to do some writing, so i figured I will continue to write a little on this site, then maybe I can copy and paste it into my new site.
The last time I wrote I was beginning to write about my mom’s new male friend, who I believe now was her boyfriend, he officially was moved into our new condo and he was there all the time, so we considered him her new boyfriend. It was nice because I really liked him and I think my brother and sister did as well. Looking back now that I know the signs he was definitely on drugs, when I was a kid, I just thought the way he acted was funny. Like how he would not out at the dinner table, or pass out with his eyes open and me, and my brother and sister would climb all over him and he seemed to sleep through it. Now I know it was from doing heroin, but back then it was just funny to see. You never think about people being on drugs when you are that little. Although I do remember around this time that my dad’s best friend started coming around less, but when he did come around he would make little remarks, about drugs and other things that I didn’t really understand at that age. Then one day I remember my mom received a package In the mail.
Ok so I just wanna let you know that I finally did purchase my domain name, I am so excited about that now I have to go about building my website so that might take a few days to a week until it is up and running. But is is http://www.resilientlearising.com. It is basically going to be my blog and my life journey with some additional lifestyle posts thrown in. So i am hopeful that all of you will continue to follow me on my life journey and if I can help even just one person, I would be so happy. Now the next few blog posts might be a little difficult for me to write, I almost feel like I am dragging it out a little because it is sometimes hard foe me to relive it, But I also have to say that I don´t think I have ever really wrapped my head completley around what has happened. Like when people ask me what happened and I tell them, sometimes I almost feel like a robot or a recorded message because now I can repeat the story with almost no emotion.But with saying that I think writing about this will help me start to heal and I can tell the story with more detail and emotion instead of just repeating what happened as if it was just a normal everyday part of life,
I am going to continue from when my mom was hanging around a few new people in her life and being a kid you really don´t think much of it, I remember on the Thanksgiving after my dad had killed himself or maybe it was Easter, sorry I really don´t remember, I know it was a holiday because we were off from school, anyway we went to my dads best friends house to have a nice meal, his wife was not there, I think she was out of town visiting with her family. Anyway we had a nice meal and I remember it was starting to get late so my mom said that we were just going to stay over there for the night because she was getting too tired. Being a kid I did not think anything of it, but I do remember thinking it was odd that my mom slept in the same room as HIM. I also remember that the house seemed so cold and uninviting. That night was the first time I ever knew heated blankets existed, because they gave me one to keep warm. Now even to this day I still will not sleep with a heated blanket because it reminds me of that night and the way I felt comes crashing back. Even as I write this I can clearly remember the smells and the way everything was that night.
But life went on after that, my mom actually started hanging around a new man, I have no idea how they met or anything but I remember that I liked him. He was really nice and really fun to be around, he did not have any kids but he treated us really great. Soon he ended up moving in with us, right after my mom got a new condo for us. My dads best friend also stopped hanging around as much. Which was fine with me, life was moving on and things were changing. Then everything started getting a little bit creepy and strange.
So the post before the last was when I was describing my mom getting out of the hospital and her making a new friend. But also around this same time my dads best friend was always around. I did not know this at the time until later on in my life, but yeah my mom started having an affair with my dads best friend, and the reason I say affair is because my dads best friend was 100% completley married, and from everything I remember at the time they were happily married. I even remember around this time, because it was now in the summer, that my dads best friends wife(and I dont say his or her name ever cause it makes me sick) was over and we were all outside by the pool all day. The reason that I remember this one particular day is because his wife ended up having to go to the hospital because she got and really bad sunburn and ended up with sun poisoning.
But he contiued to hang around with my mother, we really didnt see his wife much, but she was always there. As time went on he was a constant in our life, at the time it was nice because a) he was a male figure in our life and b) he was my dads best friend. So that made him safe, little did I know that he was going to turn my world upside down in a little more than a year.
So people always ask me, How do you stay so positive after everything you have been through? And i really don´t have much of an answer, because I just am. I never was in the past, it was always me just thinking about all the bad things I have been through, and for that reason I always thought that I should get a free pass for sucking at life. But you know what the second I decided to get clean I realized that I always used that as an excuse to just be bad and do the wrong things in life. But when I thought about it, it was just an excuse to keep using. I first started to do drugs to block out my feelings of depression or so I thought? If I just do drugs I can escape my reality of life and I won´t be sad. Well guess what? It doesn´t work. I figured out when I got clean that doing the drugs just made everything worse in the long run.
So now I am positive, I probably would have been positive years ago if you talked to me. But it wouldn´t be the same as it is now. Now I really genuinely love my life, are there certain things in my life that I would LOVE to change of course but who has a perfect life? I don´t think i have ever met someone who has THE PERFECT LIFE. Hey if you know someone who has one please point me in their direction so I can learn the secrets.
What honestly helps me to see live more positively is gratitude, that is the most important thing to me. To be grateful for waking up another day.
So I will be back next time to start again on my journey of life, for today I had to take a step back and just be grateful for today.
Ok, so it has been a few days since I last wrote anything. It´s because I was having a hard time trying to process some of the next things that went on in my life and I need to know that I will still be able to deal with the feelings of all that I am remembering and continue to be positive and most importantly stay sober.
So I have figured out a few things that I need to do when I get too emotional, first and foremost I have been meditating a lot, especially when I get a little emotional. Second I have been keeping my own personal journal so that I can write down all the feelings that are coming up. That has really helped me so I will start to write again today. But I decided my first entry is going to be a little different , and it has.
I came up with the name of my blog, and I purchased a domain name so I am updating that and within a few days to maybe a week, I will let everyone know the name and how they can continue to follow my story, because it is far from over, basically I feel like I am just really getting started.
The next part of my life is where things get really messy and I remember a lot, but I also am not sure exactly the order of everything so if it seems like I jump around a lot, then I am sorry.
So when my mother got out of the ¨hospital¨/detox, she began hanging around with a new guy, someone I never met before. Someone she met in detox, which is never good. To this day that is the one thing they always tell you to avoid in early sobriety is relationships and especially meeting someone in the hospital and continuing contact with them when you get out. So right there she was breaking 2 of the most important things you wanna do if you wanna stay sober, But I did not know anything about that, I just knew I missed my dad and it was nice to have another male around. Someone besides my dads monster best friend who was always a constant in our life anyway. What I did not know until later in my life was that at this time my dads best friend was becoming completley obsessed with my mom. And this is where it all began.
Not sure about how the order of the next phase of my life went, I remember bits and pieces, so If this post seems a little jumbled, sorry about that. I will start off with our Florida vacation and how I believe that my mom started drinking more with our neighbor upstairs, but who knows maybe she was already drinking and I just did not know, later on I know my sister learned the hard way by taking a sip of my moms morning ¨orange juice¨ and then I remember finding a bottle of vodka stashed under the sink. It is weird to me now how I knew even back then that these things were bad, but I just knew. I guess it shows our kids really do know more than we think.
I know when we got back from Florida my mother checked herself into the hospital. My aunt always told us it was because she was sick. Now I know the truth, at the time I do remember it being odd that when we went to visit her we had to visit with her in a kitchen area with a bunch of other people all wearing these yellow hospital bathrobes visiting with other people. I remember staying with my aunt for that week or so, and one night I do remember waking up with a fever, hallucinating. Dont know why that always happened when you were younger and had a fever you would have strange horrible dreams. Not sure what my dream was even about to this day, but I do remember being so scared that I was never going to ever see my mom again and I remember her calling the hos[pital because I swore my mom was dead and I was never going to see her again. I was able to finally talk to my mom, but as I write this I can still feel that horrible feeling that I felt that day of never seeing my mom again.
She did get out a week or so later and everything was back to normal, we were still living with my grandparents, my aunt and uncle were living next door, the monster that was my dads best friend was still coming over all the time to see how we all were doing. And i use the word monster lightly he was MUCH MORE than that later on in my life. But at this point we still called him ¨uncle¨ and he was my dads best friend. So yeah I would say everything was the same except for one big thing, my other was starting roo hang around with a new male friend that we never met. Maybe he was the start of the horrible downward spiral that happened next.